welcome
Paula Gosney is a
Writer, Researcher & Social Commentator.
She holds a master’s degree in creative writing from the University of Auckland, where she is currently working on her PhD, researching grooming narratives in confessional writing. Paula has engaged extensively with women who experienced childhood sexual trauma through workshops and mentoring. Fiercely honest, with a grooming story of her own, she offers insightful commentary on female objectification and the hypersexualised environment young women must navigate on their journey through to adulthood.

A class reunion is like picking a scab. If it’s picked too soon the wound bleeds and has to heal again.
If it’s left long enough, the scar tissue is strong and smooth. Not perfect, it will always be there, but fortified and more resilient. I was 48 years old before I had healed sufficiently to risk a reunion of the private girls’ boarding school I attended from 1980 to 1985. It was 2016 and we agreed to meet at an affordable motel in Napier on the East Coast of New Zealand. Some women attending were sharing rooms, but I had booked my own. Many lived in the area and remained friends over the decades. Not me. I had fled, putting the Tasman Sea and rivers of alcohol between us. Having flown in from Auckland that morning, I sat on the corner of my musty motel bed within the safety of the thin walls, my stomach churning as I listened to the muster of friend and foe. Our meeting point was Anita’s motel room. I forced myself to stand, straightening my collared shirt in the mirror. Before I opened the door, my hand rested on the knob with my forehead against the wood, 11 years old again.
A few women were already in the room when I appeared at the open doorway. I don’t think anyone thought I’d come—the black sheep. Perplexed expressions were masterfully replaced with greetings, and Anita hugged me warmly. Her cheerful, ruddy face and genuine smile hadn’t changed. I took the glass of champagne offered and dug in for the necessary small talk. One by one, strangely familiar middle-aged women poked their heads through the doorway leaving their bodies outside. Then, bracing themselves as if they were about to jump into a cold pool, they stepped through, plunging into long-forgotten teenage emotion. Ponytails were now blowwaves. Deep side lines bracketed spidery lips and crow’s feet counted the years. Individual faces morphed in and out as if an unfamiliar woman and a girl chiselled from my memory occupied one body.
True to form, Anita had put together photo albums crammed with four-by-six images snapped on the inexpensive cameras we were all getting for birthdays in the eighties. Each soft-cornered grainy photo developed in the greeny-red hue of the era preserved a moment under cellophane resurrecting long-dead teenage ghosts. We pored over the albums spread out on the ageing bedspreads, laughing at our 80s perms and high-riding jeans. I turned a page and my hand froze. All the sound was sucked from the room as though everyone had disappeared and there was just me and the album I held in my trembling hands. There I was, a long-legged, sassy young thing mucking around on the lawn behind the junior boarding house. Our bathroom towels laid out on the grass for sunbathing, a cassette deck and a half-empty bottle of baby oil to the side. It was an unremarkable photo, except for one thing. I stood out like a hooker in a nunnery. All the other girls were clad in tighty-whiteys, or some other age-appropriate underwear. Not me. I was unashamed in all my glory, young pubes on display through the few centimetres of pink mesh I’d mistaken for underpants. Who the fuck gave me a mesh G-string at 12?
‘Oh my god, look at my undies.’ I said to Anita, sitting next to me.
She didn’t raise an eyebrow. ‘You were so far ahead of us all. We were in awe of you.’ Champagne and hilarity bubbled around me. Everyone was oblivious to the time travel I was experiencing. Excruciating memories flashed.
‘They call you Bucket, Paula,’ said the senior girl who had just gotten off the bus from the boys’ college and handed me an A4 piece of paper taped up like a letter.
‘What?’ I asked, having no idea what she was talking about.
‘Cause your cunt is the size of a bucket.’ She smirked, enjoying the excitement draining from my face.
‘I haven’t even done anything,’ I snapped back. Grabbing the letter I walked away, fighting tears, overwhelmed by an intense feeling of shame that felt bigger than the stupid insult. The word cunt was hardly used in the 1980s and I had never heard it directed at a person—I barely understood what it meant. I had, however, absorbed from how women were spoken about on our farm that a big vagina meant you were a slut, and that was something to be ashamed of. I marched back to the dorm. Arseholes! All I had done was exchange a few saucy letters with an eager boy my age. I told myself that the spiteful seniors had made it up because they were all ugly. But I didn’t understand why I was being pulled in two directions: attention and praise from boys and hate and scorn from the older girls.
Seeing myself in that photo was like a piece of a Tetris puzzle falling into place. I was so young (a child in pink lace) why hadn’t I been content in white briefs with smiley faces or butterflies? Why was I already, unknowingly, creating a version of myself groomed to please men, seeking out sexual attention way before my peers? Why was I overtly aware of pornography while other girls seemed blissfully unaffected? Why did I react to the sexually loaded language from male teachers while no one else seemed to care? I have wrestled with this dissonance my whole adult life. Was it genetic or hormonal? Was I an outlier on a bell curve? Why were my sexual boundaries blurred? Was this done to me? Or are those two ideas somehow linked? Did my young, overt sexuality attract predators, or did my hyper-awareness of men’s desire and the power I felt bring that promiscuity out in me? When I was 13, I asked in my diary, ‘Why do grown men like me?’ I now know that is not a normal question for a young teen. The burden of that question defined my early life and fuelled some terrible choices, taking me from an untroubled child building huts in our hayshed on the farm in Taranaki to a junkie who could score hammer off the streets of Cabramatta with the lift of an eyebrow.
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Research
Grooming creates victims who look like they consent
It would be better to live in a world where trauma memoirs did not exist. A world where no broken adults were writing of traumatic childhoods, sorting through fragments of memory, trying to place a smell of damp dirt and the kick of a metal door onto a temporal landscape peppered with lucid embodied moments, jumbled amongst slashes of conversation and broken sentences. But we don’t. Trauma happens every day in thousands of ways, and many people write about it privately in diaries and letters, they turn their trauma into music, or dump it onto canvas, while others write emotionally charged poetry set free from the structural confines of a narrative that is expected to make sense. And then there are memoirs. Since St. Augustine confessed in search of transformation, humans have constructed their lived experience as narrative and told that story publicly for legacy, justice and influence, and in the case of trauma memoir, for resolution and healing.
I suggest that within the trauma genre of memoir, specifically those involving sexual abuse without violence, the authors have another purpose. They search for something so deeply embedded in their identity that it is almost impossible to see, yet present in the unanswered question, ‘Why me, and why did I not run?’ Grooming is the ghost that haunts narratives of prolonged childhood sexual abuse, where perpetrators use sustained, nonviolent actions to carefully manipulate both the target and the child’s environment to achieve their corrupt desires. These sophisticated, deceitful grooming behaviours mimic actions of love and care, confusing the child and warping their subjective identity. Two formative ideas shape the writing of a confessional text. Firstly, each author accesses their trauma through remembered physical detail; it is the anchor that they trust the most in their writing. The smell of the mattress, the feeling of his heavy tummy, the hard stool in the basement. Secondly, writing publicly is an act of visibility that a survivor needs to locate herself narratively and trust her story—using the implied reader as her witness. Confessional trauma writing is an exercise in separating an adult identity from a groomed-self, working to create a more complete, unified-self.
Our personal narrative is not just a story that we construct, write, or tell; it is an essential, continuously evolving sense of who we are and how we are situated in the world. This is complicated in the study of grooming narratives in confessional writing because there is an additional narrative aspect that needs to be considered. There is the autobiographical ‘I’ which textually represents the historical events of a writer’s life, the narrative the author wishes to believe—their salutary vision—and also, the narrative of the groomed self. It is this third thread of self, a ghostly groomed subjectivity shaped by corrupted outside forces, almost impossible to see, yet present in the language used by authors to describe themselves, that is central to my research. It appears in repetitive imagery, amnesiac gaps, the language of shame and doubt, and contradictions in remembered events. This is the script the authors did not choose; the one imposed through warped language and sustained nonviolent manipulation, altering their subjective reality and environment. How is this groomed-self represented in trauma memoirs? How do authors articulate their lived experiences within the language and discourse of sexual violence that fix them as victims, shaped by abuse and rape? Is autobiography a form of ‘talking back’ against what has been imposed, as Sidonie Smith argued? What alternative modes of representation are needed to convey the difficulty of narrating life choices that appear to implicate the survivor? And, importantly, how do structural forces and cultural pressures work to either cloak this grooming or amplify seduction practices?
Research
Grooming Narratives in First-Person Confessional Writing
Distinguished Professor Barbara Fredrickson’s Objectification Theory tells us that girls internalise an observer’s perspective as their primary view of themselves, increasing the likelihood of shame, anxiety, sexual dysfunction and eating disorders. Take the effect of the male gaze further, and consider the impact of growing up in a sexualised environment, in households with flimsy sexual boundaries, where affairs and promiscuity are normalised, and where women are repeatedly objectified, and a skewed framework of consent emerges that is fundamental to the perpetuation of rape culture. There is strong evidence that shows early sexualisation as a result of CSA (Child Sexual Assault) can be expressed in adulthood as promiscuity, sexual addiction, and prostitution. (Abramovich, 2005). What happens if more subtle forms of sexualisation combine with the pervasive objectification of young women through all media? Does the potential for physical disconnection and self-harm identified by Fredrickson multiply?
Preliminary analysis suggests an underexplored research opportunity when we specifically combine adolescents, non-violent childhood sexualisation, promiscuity and a heightened vulnerability to predatory behaviour. These are complex subjects often only examined retrospectively once a life has been negatively impacted. However, this junction warrants inquiry. Why do some young women unknowingly create a version of themselves groomed to please men? And why are these young women more prone to exploitation by individuals and an industry that commodifies their sexuality? Have their sexual boundaries been blurred? This is a question I have asked all of my life that is not merely academic, it is urgent as the unguarded social media environment escalates access, grooming and exploitation. My initial research will focus on the autobiographies and essays (confessional writing) of selected published narratives with sexual trauma as part of their story, in particular, the child voice present in the adult telling—qualitative content already written. This reading will be viewed through a psychoanalytical lens within a feminist framework. I hypothesise that with close, compassionate reading of these adult texts, I will find young lives laced with corroded sexual boundaries. My intention is to shed light on the challenging subject of adolescent grooming and promiscuity and contribute to the discussion and resources available for at-risk young women.
‘I believe in the Holy Ghost of the first person.’
Philippe Lejeune.
How does confessional writing serve the teller and the reader in these scenarios? The construction of literature and the creation of a coherent personal narrative through psychoanalysis have a lot in common. In Psychoanalysis and Storytelling, Peter Brooks writes about the significance Freud gave to a patient’s ‘no’ during therapy and that the analyst must discover a ‘narrative web’ that affirms the path towards recovery. A psychoanalytical framework will form the backbone of my inquiry as I closely read for the slips and leaks, the unspoken child voice, the repetitive statements, and the ‘no’ that is too loud.
Biographical narratives are not just linguistic and symbolic stories that we hold in our heads or work out on the page; they also connect deeply to the emotional response of our physical bodies, supporting the belief that understanding and creating a coherent narrative contributes to healing.















